Faithoverfear

I’m having the beginner’s curse of falling off the wagon the last week and a half. I have been feeling really frustrated & disappointed in quite a few areas of my life and have been falling for that comforting tug of food which I hate. There has got to be a better way to work through these issues than stuffing myself. I can’t stand to lose the same 10lbs AGAIN. I swear if I added them all together, I would have disappeared by now. 

you have a lot to lose. My 1st 2 weeks have had lovely losses that I wish would happen every week and I’d just be done in about a month. Oh, what a lovely fantasy. Of course Dr. Marc has automatically asked me to see a doctor each time I’ve posted my weight loss. I don’t worry because I feel this is always the case when you are so heavy and it sure feels nice to have something to jump start you. But, all good things come to an end and, I’m sure I’ll start leveling out to the average 2lbs. a week and, I’ll feel depressed about it, having so far to go. Right now, I just would like to be under 300lbs. I don’t think I’ve been there in 5 years! Getting closer.

My other real struggle is exercise. For the last 2 or 3 years, all this weight has taken such a toll on my knee that I don’t know where to start. I worked on a building project a friend did for me at home & I am so sore I can barely move. Sad when painting or, doing a 15 minute stretching video feels like 40 minutes of cardio. Guess all these frustrations give me all the ammo I need to keep on leaping or, crawling, down that weight ticker. ~HAPPY LOSING~

I am so pleased I found this site. Today was my weigh-in day and, 10lbs lost. As I stop stuffing myself and cut back on my sugar, I find I have more energy. My morning started taking down a fence & gate in my back pasture. Thought I was done, tired. But, no, then I could spray around the whole house for spiders, water the yard, spread weed killer, sort the recycling and, go for a bike ride. Wow! Usually dead half way through the 1st chore. It felt good to accomplish more. I’d say that is a good goal….doing more. Too much of my life has been wasted in front of the TV because the energy is just not there. Though I do try to still do things despite my weight, I pay for it in pain; knee pain, back pain, etc.

I pray that I can continue to look back in a week, 3 months, a year and still be taking on a healthful change. God knows how much I could get done around the house!

It’s nice to be getting ready for bed without feeling totally bloated & sick from having eaten too much.  Overall, I’ve had a good day and, reading other folks blogs made me feel excited ( a word that never comes to mind) about being on the right track. I finally ventured into the Forums and found myself signing up for a 10 week weight loss challenge that starts this Sunday. I appreciate all of the both commiserate and supportive voices I have found on here. I even went as far as to invite my mom and another friend to join me. This always proves to be my double edged sword though, as I feel that if I don’t succeed, people I know secretly say, ” I knew she couldn’t do it”. In reality, I’m sure those echoed voices all come from one place…my head! and, I’ve got to kick them out because they definitely aren’t supportive at all.

I made it out for a bike ride today. It was such a nice day and it felt good to be doing some exercise. I feel good about my food too. Not all perfect choices perhaps but, reasonable portions that don’t leave me sick. Lastly, Saturday is my chosen weigh-in day; this one being my 1st, for myself. I stepped on the scale today for a preview and felt I may be disappointed. Not because I didn’t lose (think I did=) but, because I always want to have it be some phenomenal number that I’ve lost and it probably won’t be. But, for right now, I’m ready to accept that this will be a slow & steady process that will stick.

my food today:

1 slice toast w/ peanut butter & jam, 2C chix noodle & veggie stir fry, 1/2 pop tart

3 stalks celery w/ 4 tbl red pepper hummus

whole red pepper, celery stalk with 2 tbl jalepeno artichoke dip

4oz salmon w/orange ginger marinade, spinach salad w/ 2tbl bleu cheese dressing

1/2 bag popcorn

2/3C pineapple coconut frozen yougart & a bite of my man’s Chunky Monkey

note: evenings with your man can prove difficult.

But, in today’s case, I am saying goodnite to all with a belly that is not swoll.

I’m feeling slightly sickened at myself, both figuratively and literally,  right now because I have just eaten way too much and I know it as I’m doing it yet, still feel unable to or, don’t care to (sadly), stop. I have felt good about my food over the past few days but, as I eat tonight, I felt full but still wanted to stuff it down….feelings, upset, depression, who knows. I get teary thinking about it because I just so do not want to do this same behavior again, again & again. It doesn’t solve a thing. I just feel bloated, stuffed & sick. Hope for a better choice tomorrow.

my food today (felt good about it ’til the last meal):

60z. chicken tortellini w/ sauce & tbl Parmesan cheese

2 small slice raisin toast w/ butter

celery stalk w/ red pepper hummus

3 starburst gummis (45 cal), grapefruit

1/4 C peanuts

15oz. can beef chili w/ 1/4 C cheddar cheese, tbl light sour cream & 2 pc. corn bread w/ I can’t believe it’s not butter spread

hot chocolate w/ 1% milk, 1 Ghiredelli dark chocolate/mint square

…Though I’m not sure how yet, I will say I have faith that this is the last one. I’m a newbie here and glad to find you all, check out your blogs and hope for some support & success. I have not been under 300lbs in about 5 years, I’d say, and hope to God I’ve had enough. The binges that were once just “moments” have now become the lifestyle of how I eat, I’m ashamed to say. Shopping for clothes is a misery and the moments leading up to a recent flight were my own personal nightmare. After hearing all the news about airlines on the warpath of the fat, I actually tried to schedule my flight around the least busy times in hopes to avoid embarrassment. Always having to cover my lap with something so as not to show my seatbeat unbuckled and just waiting to be found out the airline stewardess/steward does not make for a fun flight.

 Just a bit of my recent exprience in this body that I seem to loath or, at least, treat it that way. I hope to find a better way to treat myself with the assistance of you all. Tired of knee pain, being breathless, snoring (not a happy thing for my man), hateful & often avoided clothes shopping and, mostly, of just feeling depressed and tired. I moved 2 years ago to this beautiful part of Washington hoping to enjoy biking & hiking but can’t taken advantage of a bit of it. NO MORE! Thanks for listening and any support or, kick in the ass, is welcomed.