Faithoverfear

I haven’t showed up here in about a week because when I’m failing I don’t even want to be seen. Yet, I remember writing that week I would show up no matter. These days the only capabilities I feel I have is to over eat. I’ve been on disability for, god, 8 years now. I had some awful physical illness happen to me back then, then, emotionally, I still have yet to recover from all the loss that created. I have just been paralyzed since. At this point I can’t say that I even know how to eat like a normal human being, making an actual decent meal, sitting down to a table and, mindfully, eating. My car looks like some crumb-fest and my apt is dish covered and, I barely care. Then I hesitate to show up here because who really wants to hear all this depressing crap! I need a life back. I need not to be afraid of moving forward anymore. When I got sick, it was totally out of my control and it took everything from me so, why try when I have zero control of what could happen. Sorry, just venting or, whining but, here. Now if I could only get here before the bowl of cereal, peach cobbler, bag of popcorn, 3 chocolate squares, large frozen mac & cheese, 2 bananas and 3 and a 1/2 cinnamon rolls, that would be much better. Disgusting! yet I have no idea how to make it stop. perhaps a stroke or heart attack will do the trick =(

I hope that every time I post it is not to cry and gripe but, it feels that way right now. Sitting here, having that awful numbness which means I won’t write long and just had money problems come my way so, that currently brings on the tears and the urge to eat. My boredom had me eating a little more than I should have today but, I did still write it down and stopped, knowing that I don’t have to continue on that path today.

I don’t want to forget the upside so…This is where I have improved over the last few days:

Went to Curves 4 days, just stayed off machines that would harm my knee

Took my dog for a short walk today

Have been drinking more water and taking my supplements

stretched

And, mostly, have tried to remember to do just this….reminding myself to acknowledge the things I’m doing right at the end of the day.

Well, went to the orthopedist about my knee today and what can I do??? LOSE WEIGHT! This, of course, I have known but done little about. I also told the Dr. about the numbness I’ve been having around my pelvic area which set about REAL concerns from him and more panic for me. A disc being pushed on and, in that area, could lead to loss of continence if it gets worse. A suggestion of weight loss surgery followed from him too.

How did I let this get so out of hand! I have continuously had one pain or another as a result of my weight and, I know it, yet never has it managed to slow down the hand to mouth action I’ve been so fond of. Even as I type, I am leaning backwards on my chair because I can’t sit on it without pain and, total fear!

As for surgery, NO, NO, NO! Am I wrong? I got myself this way so I feel I can get myself back. Besides, I feel that would just be suicide if I can’t control the overeating. Putting a band in my stomach doesn’t solve the problem…maybe sewing my mouth shut will do the trick.

So, where I would usually run to the carbs & sugar,  I think I’m being scared straight. Only now, it can’t happen fast enough to make total terror of physical uselessness subside.

I actually had a pretty good food day…only about 1200 calories though they weren’t the most healthful. I feel stuffed write now because I had hot chocolate but, it was about 2 cups and I drank it too quickly so I have that stuffed feeling which is not too good.

My frustration is my damned knee. In the past month every time I have attempted exercise, which has only been twice, I have had my knee act up and I have not even over done anything. I feel like this is a test and my frustration has me wanting to give up and head straight for the bakery. But, today, I didn’t. I have not given in to this thought but, I should, which is… every time I want to stuff my face, which is often, I should just drop to my knees and pray to someone, something that I can, for once, not give up or, give in. I saw a trainer on one of those weight loss shows tell a woman that the reason she wasn’t losing is she wasn’t willing to give something up. That’s me. I want to be just like everyone else with respect to food, not having to give up anything. In writing this I realize, with all the people showing up here or on any of the diets billions are spent on, everyone has to give up something, which would make me like everyone else, needing to give up something. Now I just need to find the willingness to do just that.

I have always prided myself on being a good friend. It’s something my friends have always appreciated about me…checking in with a call, showing up with goodies, remembering a birthday and picking just the right card or gift. But, as a Buddy, where have I been? I’ve gotten great support from regulars like Nancy & Jessie, to name a couple but, when stuff got tough for me, I stopped showing up….really when I needed it most.

My food has been so out of control, I’m not sure these days that I know how to just have a regular meal. I have to choose a better way to deal with stress, boredom, happiness….whatever the excuse of the moment is to eat. So, in those moments, my goal is to show up here to vent, cry, share and, support the Buddies that have supported me instead of going to the fridge or picking up the fork. Enough with the pain…I want my health and, LIFE back! And, THANK YOU BUDDIES that have kept checking in or invited me to Buddy up with you. You brought me back to something I need and, appreciate having in my life. You all make a difference!

I’m having the beginner’s curse of falling off the wagon the last week and a half. I have been feeling really frustrated & disappointed in quite a few areas of my life and have been falling for that comforting tug of food which I hate. There has got to be a better way to work through these issues than stuffing myself. I can’t stand to lose the same 10lbs AGAIN. I swear if I added them all together, I would have disappeared by now. 

you have a lot to lose. My 1st 2 weeks have had lovely losses that I wish would happen every week and I’d just be done in about a month. Oh, what a lovely fantasy. Of course Dr. Marc has automatically asked me to see a doctor each time I’ve posted my weight loss. I don’t worry because I feel this is always the case when you are so heavy and it sure feels nice to have something to jump start you. But, all good things come to an end and, I’m sure I’ll start leveling out to the average 2lbs. a week and, I’ll feel depressed about it, having so far to go. Right now, I just would like to be under 300lbs. I don’t think I’ve been there in 5 years! Getting closer.

My other real struggle is exercise. For the last 2 or 3 years, all this weight has taken such a toll on my knee that I don’t know where to start. I worked on a building project a friend did for me at home & I am so sore I can barely move. Sad when painting or, doing a 15 minute stretching video feels like 40 minutes of cardio. Guess all these frustrations give me all the ammo I need to keep on leaping or, crawling, down that weight ticker. ~HAPPY LOSING~

stretching feels like the workout. I just did the 15 minute Slim & Limber portion of Slim in 6 and , I do not feel slim, nor, limber. Actually frustrated because I attempted a 1/2 hour on my exercise bike and only made 15 minutes because I think it’s broken. I know I’m in bad shape but, this was deadly hard, just stopped moving. Mostly mad because I had it repaired at the end of last year and now it’s out of warranty. The shame is I did not use it for the last 5 or 6 months to see if the repair stuck. Mad, mad, mad at both the shoddy repair and my lack of willingness to use the thing all these months

NOT EAT! Wow, that’s a surprise. Just spent a hour & a 1/2 waiting in the doctors office, dragging three small kids (not mine) along just to get a tetnus shot that should’ve taken 5 minutes. Had other errands to run & crazy with restless babes in tow. For their patience they got Mc Donalds and, happily, I opted to get back to the house and eat what I packed myself for lunch. Nice to make the right choice, if only for a moment. Hope to add some exercise in with that wise choices later.

Wishing everyone best of luck today in facing their obstacles. 

I am so pleased I found this site. Today was my weigh-in day and, 10lbs lost. As I stop stuffing myself and cut back on my sugar, I find I have more energy. My morning started taking down a fence & gate in my back pasture. Thought I was done, tired. But, no, then I could spray around the whole house for spiders, water the yard, spread weed killer, sort the recycling and, go for a bike ride. Wow! Usually dead half way through the 1st chore. It felt good to accomplish more. I’d say that is a good goal….doing more. Too much of my life has been wasted in front of the TV because the energy is just not there. Though I do try to still do things despite my weight, I pay for it in pain; knee pain, back pain, etc.

I pray that I can continue to look back in a week, 3 months, a year and still be taking on a healthful change. God knows how much I could get done around the house!